What to Say to Your Kids When You Don't Have Any Answers: A Guide for Okanagan Families
If you've evacuated with children in the last few days, you already know the moment. It comes at an unexpected time, in the car, at the reception centre, in the middle of the night in an unfamiliar place. A question you don't know how to answer. A fear you don't know how to hold alongside your own.
You don't have to have the answers. That's the first thing to know.
Most of what helps children through a crisis is not a perfect explanation. It is your presence, your honesty, and a handful of sentences you can say without thinking even when you have nothing left.
What children actually need right now
Children take their emotional cues from the adults around them. If you are calm, your child will feel more secure. That doesn't mean pretending everything is fine, it means letting them see that you can feel scared and still be okay. That these big feelings are survivable. That you are still there.
Validate their emotions and avoid jumping to problem-solving or minimizing the situation. It's okay to calmly share what you are feeling too, using words appropriate for your child's age. Children who are told "don't worry, it's fine" often feel more confused because their own experience is telling them something different.
Some children will want to talk constantly. Others will go quiet. Let them choose when and how to share. Consider what your child actually experienced, did they see smoke, leave in a hurry, hear frightening things? Use those cues to guide the conversation rather than launching into explanations they didn't ask for.
Words that actually work
You don't need a script. But when you're running on empty, these sentences are enough:
"I don't know yet. I'll tell you as soon as I do."
Honesty is more settling than false certainty. Children can handle not knowing, what they can't handle is sensing that you're hiding something.
"That was really scary. You were scared and so was I."
Naming the emotion out loud, for both of you, normalizes it and reduces its power.
"You didn't do anything to cause this."
Young children often engage in magical thinking. They need to hear explicitly that this is not their fault.
"I'm staying with you."
The most regulating sentence there is. Safety is not a place right now, it's a person.
"It's okay to be sad about the house and still be glad we're okay."
Two things can be true at once. Children need permission to hold both without having to choose.
"You can ask me again tomorrow."
Gives them permission to keep coming back without needing to resolve everything tonight.
What to avoid
Some phrases feel comforting to say but can close things down for children:
"At least we're safe." True, but said too quickly, it signals that the grief isn't welcome. Safety and loss can coexist.
"Don't cry, you're okay." This contradicts their direct experience. The message they receive is that their internal state is unreliable, which is exactly the opposite of what we want them to feel.
"Big kids don't get scared." This adds identity to fear. It tells them that being scared means something is wrong with them, rather than something is hard right now.
What to watch for in the weeks ahead
Children process trauma in different ways. Some may need to talk more, while others may want to engage in physical activities or creative outlets. Encourage them to express their feelings in ways that feel natural, whether through drawing, journaling, or playing.
Regression is normal, a child who was sleeping well may need more reassurance at bedtime. Younger children may re-enact what happened through play. This is healthy, not alarming. For children aged 4 to 7, playing out scenarios through toys or stuffed animals is how they metabolize the experience. Let them tell the story again. It will get shorter over time.
If your child is showing signs of prolonged distress, ongoing nightmares, persistent fear, withdrawal, or significant changes in behaviour several weeks after the event, it may be time to reach out to a professional.
We're here
At New Ground Wellness, our counselors work with children, youth, and families navigating trauma, grief, and the kind of disruption that a wildfire brings. Virtual sessions are available throughout BC, meaning wherever you are right now, support is accessible.
You've been carrying a lot. You don't have to carry it alone.
